Luna Laments Instagram clichés

Dear Instagram Poster, it’s hard to relate

When you start using phrases, I really do hate.

You’re begging for followers, and dream of awards

But write only clichés that leave me so bored.

So, here’s some advice, please take it to heart

In the hope that your captions will be state-of-the art.

I’m familiar with airports and business class seating

And photos of wings which seem self-defeating

It’s nice to fly privately but don’t rub it in

You are only going where others have been.

And when you awake in your new destination

And jump out of bed in anticipation

Forget ‘Bonjour Paris’ while blowing me a kiss

Or trying to pretend you ‘Woke up like this’

And if you’re a model, we know that you’re pretty

You may also be smart, super-polished and witty,

Our only request – it’s all that we ask

Is we don’t have to see you in a cosmetic face mask

Masks are for balls or for Batman and Robin

And pictures of clay masks are much better forgotten

And while we are at it, stop feeling ‘blessed’

It’s a terrible cliché – please give it a rest

It’s ‘like’ when you say you are part of a ‘family’

I can only point out - it may be a calumny -

That luxury houses tend not to adopt

You’ll be part of the gang until you’ve been dropped.

Families are fun and it’s good to pretend

But some dreadful phrases just have to end

She is not ‘your sister from another mister’

However much you might have missed her

Let’s have no more ‘besties’ or new-found ‘brothers’

Appearing miraculously from ‘other mothers’

Let’s have no more ‘fries before guys’ or ‘bros before hoes’

Try saying something witty in immaculate prose

So, no more – ‘Oh, hi there’ – give it a break

‘I’m coming for ya’ - gives me ear ache

And if I may, while we’re on this track

Let’s agree to ban ‘To the moon and back’

She may be ‘beautiful’, but at the risk of being snide

Let’s turn our backs ‘on the inside and outside’

Given the choice, let’s choose nude over food

And, should your photo be boring, don’t label it ‘mood’

There is only one ‘paradise’, most religions agree

And it’s not a beach bungalow and a stroll to the sea

So, please, no photos of turtles, dolphins or flowers

We’ve all grown quite weary of your ‘golden hours’

We understand perspective and respect its power

But no more wretched fingers on the Eiffel Tower

And lastly, if you really want to stand apart

Don’t use those fingers to shape a heart.

Be bold – take some risks – try not to be bland

It’s bound to be tricky when you’re building a brand

You need to work harder as you surely can see

So, no more ‘LA – you’ve been good to me’