Come Up, Slow Down - Fear and Loathing in Gstaad

The coming up is easy. All you need is a jet - nothing too flashy as it’s a tricky approach with only 1400 metres separating you and your maker; a flatbed truck for your 15 monogrammed LV trunks; and a suite at the Palace Hotel, that you booked before you were born, and paid for by selling half your kingdom.

It’s the slowing down which is harder. This the biggest weekend of the year. It’s where reputations are made and broken. It’s for proper athletes, men and women, who have dedicated their lives to this. If you’re an amateur, or been injured and unable able to train, stay away. This is not for you. There are no prizes here for taking part. This is about seeing and being seen. Forget about last summer in St Tropez. Forget about your amazing party. Yes, everybody loved the Gucci-decorated tigers, the kick-boxing dwarves and the naked synchronised swimmers but that was then, and this is now. These people don’t do history. They live in the moment. 

Nobody makes breakfast but a lap or two of the lobby in your salopettes and ski boots at 11.30am wouldn’t go amiss. Try to find the most fluorescent ski wear available. And buy it in every colour. If your wardrobe looks like a pack of dayglo marker pens, then you are on the right track. Remember, you will need a different outfit for every day of your stay. Luckily, you will only need the one pair of ski boots. Not just for this trip. For every trip. Because the only action they are likely to see is walking around the Palace.

Gstaad is the ski resort where nobody skis. At least, not on the Le Rosey Ski Weekend. Confused? You shouldn’t be. The problem with skiing is that there simply isn’t time. By the time you’ve got up, and done the obligatory lap of the Palace lobby, it’s time for lunch. And when lunch is over, its’ time to change for the first cocktail party of the day. Followed by several more, dinner, dancing and oblivion.

But if you are still determined to ‘come up’ for the ‘ski weekend’, here are events to catch.

The Slalom:

A difficult event which rewards athleticism and flexibility with the participants trying to find their way around the tables of the Palace Hotel dining room at dinner without encountering an ex-wife, creditor, or any woman called Marjorie.

The Downhill

This takes place later in the evening and requires competitors to drink large quantities of tequila while declaring that it is the only drink that doesn’t seem to affect them. This is followed by an extended period of telling lies about almost everything, culminating in an attempt to get a table at the Greengo without paying the GDP of a small country.

The Luge

The traditional luge is a small sledge the size of a tea tray on which the lucky participant lies face upwards while travelling at 140 kph down an icy track. The Gstaad version is a little different. It is called the lunge and typically happens after the downhill. The participant persuades himself or herself that despite being as old as Methuselah, they remain catnip to anyone under the age of twenty and demonstrate this by making a lunge at 2.00am. Unlike the luge, the lunge participants typically find themselves face down and run the risk of being trampled underfoot in the Greengo.